Journey to the Creek; Journey Inward

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Finally, some real snow – light and fluffy, and enough to make the landscape new and magical.  Oh, we’ve had some snow and cold, but just enough to make walking icy and slow.  This time, however, it is irresistible for a photographer.  So, I bundle up, drape the camera over my shoulder and head out.  As I walk to the edge of town several blocks away, there are many beautiful snow-covered trees, but power lines and buildings spoil every photo that I want to take.  Once outside of town, I walk alongside the edge of the road, shuffling through the snow, keeping my distance from the traveled portion of the road.  It is a relief to be away from power lines and fences and driveways.  It is even better when I am far enough out of town to be beyond the concrete canal that encloses Placer Creek to make sure it behaves during spring run-off.

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Now I can walk along the bank above the creek.  And here it is that I take photos and more photos, loving the dark movement of the creek against the purity of the white snow and backed by snow-covered trees, dark and mysterious.

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As I walk and observe and take photos, I am thinking about my life at this moment.  Healing is a complex process.  It isn’t just a matter of incisions drawing closed, the simple healing of a wound.  The deeper wound is “how could this have happened?”  How do I know it will not happen again?  It took me so by surprise – I who had not been to a doctor in over 20 years – faced with a life-threatening condition.

A new lease on life has been given to me, but here I am, waking up with anxiety and going through my day with a sense of weariness.  Even though I approached all the procedures as openly as possible, seeing the process not as a war against cancer but as a journey back to wellness,  I still feel battle-weary.  Where does this weariness come from?  It occurs to me that even though I am busy every day, getting caught up with bookwork and housework that has fallen behind in the last several month, as well as helping out more with my husband’s non-profit, this busy-ness is without enthusiasm and sense of purpose.

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I KNOW what my purpose at this time in my life is, but I can’t seem to accomplish it in a meaningful way here and now.  I’ve always been a person with my ducks in a row, but now I feel that I’m floundering in a life that isn’t my own true life.  It is most uncomfortable.  Perhaps a time of being lost in the desert is okay, or even good and necessary, but it is still uncomfortable.   I have spent too much of my life being in resistance to “what is” – a long and difficult first marriage, more recently a move that has left me longing for a home that is no longer my home, and my family still too far away to give and receive the hugs we all need.

Placer Creek Snow 045It is a leap of faith to be totally accepting of this present state of affairs, to lovingly embrace my life as it is, with all of its uncertainties and ducks running amuck.  I want to be like this creek as it flows toward the sea, flowing effortlessly over and around the rocks in its way.  I want to be joyfully alive and surrounded by beauty.  This is my gift to share: seeking, finding, and sharing beauty.  So I will accept the floundering and look for the beauty in each and every day (and ignore the ducks as best I can).

Bass Creek Camping – October 2014 – Part 7

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Misty drizzly morning

Tuesday October 21: We were going to put the big tarp over the Pony yesterday since there is a forecast of rain, but we were too tired and cold when we got back from hiking and figured we could do it this morning.  Then it started raining in the night, so it is too late to put up the tarp.  Too wet for a fire this morning – I could build a fire, but can’t read and edit in the rain, so it is an inside morning.

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Rainy day at Charlie Waters Campground

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Mossy tree trunks, all in a row

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The rain emphasizes the moss on the tree trunks

Later, when the rain lets up a bit, I decide to go for a walk across the meadow,

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Our campsite as seen from across the meadow

and once there, emboldened by my successful hiking yesterday, I hike on up the hillside to the grove of young aspen that I have admired from a distance.

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Hiking to the aspen grove

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Nearing the aspen grove

It is pretty here, even if there is no sunlight to bring a glow to the leaves.  I walk amongst the trees, admiring their autumn colors and smooth cool bark. I could be an aspen tree.

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Walking with the aspens

By time I get back to camp, my shoes, socks, feet, and sweats are wet; I change clothes and wear slippers the rest of the day as I only have the one pair of shoes with me.   Another oversight in planning and packing – of course I know better, but sometimes things fall through the proverbial crack.  I haven’t gotten all my ducks lined up properly this fall.

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Rainy view from the Pony

I finish editing “Against All Odds” and then edit photos from our British Columbia trip until the battery on the laptop runs out.  That is the drawback to camping without enough sunshine to inspire the solar panel to create electricity for us.  Time now to write in the journal – real paper, real pen – no electricity required. Chilly outside all day, but the Pony is cozy, so we don’t mind.

Bass Creek Camping – October 2014 – Part 6

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Blue-sky day

Monday October 20, 2014 – It is going to be sunny today, but I make a small campfire for the warmth until the sun reaches the campsite, enjoying my morning ritual of fire, coffee, and journal.   After breakfast we make a quick trip to Stevensville for ice and a few groceries.  Back at camp, we decide to hike the Bass Creek Trail which leaves from a parking lot at the end of the campground.  Based on the doctor’s recommendation, I’ve not been exerting myself, but every day that we are here, I feel better.  There may not be another chance to hike the trail with a great blue sky and sunshine while we are here.  We drive around to the parking area, although it wouldn’t have been terribly far just to hike to the trail head.  I have a small thermos of tea, my hiking sticks, and the Canon G1X.  I am going to mosey along taking photos while Clifford goes on ahead.  I will only go as far as I feel totally comfortable with.

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I am thrilled with the sunlight coming through the aspen trees, turning yellow to golden.  The western larch are also a rich autumn color.

AutumnBass_G1x 407Although I can hear the creek below me, the dense growth often obscures the sight of it,

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The creek below the trail

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Colors of autumn

The further up the trail I go, the chillier it is.  As we were getting ready to go, I discovered my day pack was left at home by mistake.  It was warm enough at the camp that I didn’t think I would need more layers than what I am wearing, but now the windbreaker and gloves in the day pack would be most welcome.  Reminder to self to have the extra layer just in case.

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Patches of sunlight on the trail

So, I hike from one sunlit patch to another, stopping to take photos whenever autumn leaves catch my attention.

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AutumnBass_G1x 437Several times I stop, thinking I will turn back, but after resting on a rock in the sunshine and drinking some of my hot tea,  I go on, eager to see what is beyond the next bend in the trail.

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Around the next bend in the trail

Eventually, it is the deepening shadows on the trail and the chilly wind that forces me to turn back.  I am glad that my stamina was not the determining factor.

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Trail in shadow

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Deepening shadows on the trail

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Down the trail toward the lingering sunlight

I hike briskly back down the trail, not stopping until I reach the trail head, where the last of the afternoon sunshine brings a bit of warmth.

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Last light coming through the trees

Back at the campsite, I am too cold to play cello, so go on inside the Pony to warm up.  Make a hot cup of tea and get on with editing.  Clifford has hiked considerably further up the trail than I did, so it is a while later before he comes.  Then we have dinner and I continue editing.  I am nearly finished with the book I am working on.  I download the photos taken today and am pleased with the beautiful autumn colors.  I am looking forward to doing some photo editing soon.  And off to bed with vision of golden trees dancing in my head.

Bass Creek Camping – October 2014 – Part 5

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Morning color

Friday October 17, 2014 – Partly sunny and 32 degrees when I get up.  No campfire this morning; I just find sunny spots and move my chair and table to keep pace with the warmer oasis of light. Make a cup of coffee and read “A New Earth” – thoughts on how thoughts/emotions come from the ego trying to strengthen itself, which is always at the expense of the “other.”   Edit “Against All Odds,” play cello while the sun shines,

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Wood, dense and mysterious

and explore the woods, gathering more branches and twigs.  I love the woods, so dense and mysterious.  Haven’t explored them nearly as much as I’d like.

When the campsite is in shade, I build a campfire and continue editing until it is too dark to see outside.

Saturday October 18, 2014 – Today is a town day and so off to Missoula first t hing.  Run errands, visit my mom – a very bright 88 years young, and go to Barnes & Nobles for the bookstore fix.  Home after dark and head to bed soon after unloading and putting away our purchases.

Sunday October 19. 2014 – Nice day, no need for a campfire this morning, and I’m saving wood for the cooler days that are forecast.  Katie, Jeremy and the boys come out in the afternoon and we do a walkabout in the woods to the creek and to the little A-frame “fort” that some industrious kids built sometime this summer.  The boys (my grandsons ages 2 and 4) have a great time playing in the water and exploring the fort.

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Finley throwing rocks in the creek

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Jude at the fort by the creek

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Katie and Finley in the fort

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Finley peeking out of the fort

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Katie and Finley headed back to camp

Back at the camp Katie gets the campfire going and starts dinner while the Clifford, Jeremy, and I gathered more wood.  After dinner we sit around the fire enjoying the time to relax and chat.  I’m really glad that they were able to come out again,

Later, more editing.  Hard to put it down.  The Novels of Shannon series which I am editing takes the reader to another world where the characters become real while their adventuresome journey, fraught with peril, draws the reader in.  Our lives may seem tame compared to theirs and yet we all face common questions about the intricacies of life: how to live with our weaknesses and our strengths, how to survive pain and loss, how to become fully alive.

Bass Creek – October 2014 – Part 4

Wednesday October 15: This is a day of changing weather.

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Overcast, then the clouds begin to part

Cloudy when I get up to make my campfire and a cup of coffee.  Read “A New Earth” resonating with the words, the meanings, going beyond ego to BEING.  Well, I might not be getting there, yet, but it makes sense, anyway.  Write in my journal and have breakfast by the campfire, enjoying the warmth.

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Then the sky clears up enough that I get out the cello, glad to have enough sun to sit and play a bit.  But by time I get the cello out and set up, and play through one piece, it clouds up and starts to rain.  I scramble around getting the cello and music put away as quickly as I can.  The little storm passes, the sun come outs, so I get the cello out again. Then the rain comes again and as I am putting the cello away, a big gust of wind knocks over the stand and music is blowing everywhere.  I could have used some help, but Clifford is not is sight.  This time the rain continues through the remainder of the afternoon.

Sometime during the afternoon the rain lets up enough to let the wonderful warm late afternoon light come through and a lovely rainbow appears arching over the trees at the end of the meadow.  Sweet.

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Cloud moving on, sunlight coming in

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Rainbow arch at the end of the meadow

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Dark clouds in the background, warm sunlight in the foreground

My homemade chicken soup has thawed out, so I simmer it an hour to be on the safe side.  How much nutrition is left in a soup cooked that long, I don’t know, but I am not taking any chances.

Our battery is not charging, so light and power are an issue tonight.  Too bad, as I can see to write blogs with the laptop, but once its little battery is dead, I am out of luck.

Thursday October 16:  I light the stove to start warming up the Pony and get the tea water going.  There is a pretty sunrise this morning.

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Sunrise color

Take photos of the droplets on branches on my way to the restroom, nearly a block away.  It has been good for me to do a morning walk, albeit out of necessity, and this morning it is especially pretty out after yesterday’s rain.

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Delicate seed pods

After breakfast we go to Stevensville for ice and groceries, then explore the Chief Looking Glass State Park.  It was too expensive for us, and I am really glad we didn’t go there, as it is much prettier where we are at Bass Creek.

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Mountains of the Bitterroot Range

Later Merri and Ali come to visit.  Merri and Clifford have a plant identification project going on, which is fun for Merri, as she loves plants and knows a LOT about plants and trees.

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Looking at the trees

Ali is kind of bored and just pokes around at the fire.  Maybe walking around looking at trees and moss and berries are not her thing.  We all have a cup of tea before they go.  I am glad they got to come out, even though Merri and I didn’t really get much time to visit.  Just nice to have her here for awhile.

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Decorating the pumpkin with gifts from the forest

We do the CI meeting from my cell phone.  I’m not feeling great, but can’t distract myself with photo editing, as my laptop is dead, and it would be rude to distract myself with reading or writing.  Finally I just crawl up on the bed and don’t even pretend to be actively involved.  Wonder if it was eating a whole raw potato that caused my indigestion.

Yogurt and mint tea for my dinner and by bedtime, I feel better and sleep okay.

Bass Creek Camping – October 2014 – Part 3

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Campfire in the morning

Sunday October 12:  Wake up early; too dark to sit out, so I make mint tea and sit inside to read “A New Earth” until it is light enough to head outside to make a campfire.  The wood under the pull-outs is a bit wet, but the wood under the tarp is good and dry, so I soon have a cheery fire going. The way Tolle explains some concepts in “A New Earth” helps me to make sense of the lessons from “A Course in Miracles” which were not resonating with me.  A different way of looking at things can be very good.

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about 11:30 and we

have time to do a

walkabout taking

photos of raindrop

on leaves and

other delightful

after-rain images.

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Give her a camera and a cup of coffee…. and she is all set!

Then we head out to see my sister, Lillian, who lives about 10 miles outside of Stevensville on the other side of the Bitterroot valley.  As we look back, we can see snow on the mountain tops on the western range.  We have a nice visit with Lillian; I let her know that I have been to a doctor for the first time in about 20 years and that there are some health issues going on.

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Lillian, Carol, Ang

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Oden displaying 12-year-old dorkiness

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Lillian’s driveway

From the eastern side of the valley where she lives, we have a clear view of the snowy mountains to the west, so more photos are taken as we head back to the campground.

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Across the Bitterroot Valley – we are camped over there

Back at the Pony, after Ang and Oden leave, I do some editing and read portions of the journal from 1979 to 1980.  There was an entry regarding a conversation Katie and I had regarding priests and bishops, and how bishops could tell the priests where they had to go.  Katie, who was four years old at the time, totally got the idea and decided that she would be a bishop when she grows up so she can tell people what to do.  It was really quite delightful, the best part of the whole 6-month journal, and it made her day when I sent it as a text to her. No campfire tonight as it is a bit chilly this evening and more comfortable inside, even though I struggle to read by the available light.

Monday October 13:  Wake up early with leg cramps, but luckily I am able to go back to sleep and get up after daylight to go out build a campfire.  I make tea and as I get settled by the fire to read, the tea spills and I have to go back inside to make a new cup.  Clifford is up and we have a discussion about the pan that needs replacing, which gets me thinking about what I have been reading about ego  – is my suggestion to use more butter in the pan merely a suggestion or is it my ego coming forward to say I know better than someone else how to use the pan.  There are definitely some grey areas here. I do a walkabout looking at the other campsites, gather wood, and explore the woods which are enchanted, I’m quite sure.

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Enchanted woods

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Old school cello is camping cello

Mild temperatures and sunshine in the afternoon gives me the opportunity to play the cello again today.I am not very satisfied with this cello, not liking the sound of the A-string or 4th position, both of which are used all the time.  It creates a quandry for me – how to go camping AND have a pleasing instrument to play.  Haven’t felt like playing the flute because the higher registers are not appealing to me.  Oh well……

And so goes the day. Later in the afternoon the picnic table at the vacant site next to us is still in the sunlight, and I move down there to continue writing in my journal until the sunlight is overtaken by shadow. Before the sun sets behind the mountain, the last rays hit the young aspen grove on the hillside across the meadow from where we are camped.  What a wonderful burst of color.

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Last glow of light on the aspens

Back at our spot, I build another great campfire and sit out editing until it is too dark to see.  As the fire dies down, I leave the embers to glow while I go inside to join Clifford and make us a tasty dinner.   After dinner, I make notes in a word document from the old journal.  Not sure I want or need to save the old journal once that is done.  I had written down many dreams that might be of interest, but maybe not worth keeping, either.  If I was going to learn from them, it should have have been then. Head to bed, thinking how much different my life is now.  The struggles of that period of my life are far behind me.  How joyful it is now to be camping, drinking a morning cup of coffee or tea by a campfire, having the day to read, write, or walkabout taking photos, and quiet evenings with Clifford.  My kids are grown and are people I enjoy spending time with.  Life is good.

Pulaski Trail in Late November

Okay, so it’s only 12 degrees out this morning, but the sun is shining and not a cloud in the sky, at the moment, anyway. Rare for Wallace in the winter. So, Clifford and I decide to go for a little outing close to home. We both have a busy day lined up, but this is too good to resist. We bundle up in winter clothes and head to the Pulaski Trailhead, just a couple miles out of town.

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Clifford on the bridge over Placer Creek on the Pulaski Trail

Although down in Wallace the trees are are, here they are snow-covered,

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Snow-covered trees

We don’t know how far we’ll hike in, as it is quite chilly out and the trail is mostly in shadow this time of year.

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The trail into the sunless forest

Even though I’m dressed warmly, gloves light enough to finger camera dials are not quite warm enough to grasp ski poles (safer than hiking sticks on the snowy trail) comfortably.

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Warmly dressed

But it is easy to ignore the cold fingers as I become enchanted with taking photos of snowy trees and ice on the creek.

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Along the creek

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Encased in ice

Snow changes the look of everything. All becomes fresh and new.

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Fresh and new look

My goal is the bridge at the half-mile marker, as that is where my favorite waterfall is located. I’m not sure we’ll get that far what with the deeper chill in the sunless forest. I stop often to take photos (while Clifford waits patiently) and before we know it, we have arrived at the falls.

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Fairyland Falls

It looks so different with all the moss hidden under a layer of snow, and now it is the surrounding trees that make this a special wonderland.

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Wonderland trees at Fairyland Falls

I feel blessed to be here at this special place. Soon, however, we head back down the trail and find great delight in reaching a spot where the sun shines through the trees.

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Briefly basking in the sunshine

What a great outing: beautiful and refreshing!

Bass Creek Camping – October 2014 – Part 2

Friday October 10: Looks like it will be a sunny day,

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Morning campfire and tea

but I make a small campfire so I can sit out to read and write until it warms up some. I read “A New Earth” and write in my journal, enjoying my hot tea and the warmth of the flames. After breakfast I go searching for wood for the campfire, finding some cut wood behind one of the camps. The woods here are dark and mysterious, and dense with a variety of trees and shrubs. I almost expect a wood nymph to show herself.  I think I could explore forever and not tire of it.

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Woods dark and mysterious

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Shrubs highlighted by a ray of sunlight

After several walkabouts to take photos, bringing back some wood each time, the wood supply begins to build up. This is a good thing, since the forecast is for rain one of these days. I have another campfire in the evening as it is much easier on my eyes to edit by natural light until it gets too dark to do so.

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Evening campfire

Saturday October 11: It is mostly cloudy this morning,

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Mostly cloudy

so I build a campfire, glad for the wood I gathered yesterday. The guy in the campsite across the road from us says we can have the wood that is at his spot, as he isn’t using it. I happily gather it up, stockpiling some under the pullouts of the Pony and the rest goes in a pile that I cover with a tarp at the first sign of rain. I keep the campfire going as long as I can, but eventually the rain becomes too heavy for me to read or write outdoors and I am forced to go in to continue with my editing.

I brought one of my old journals with me from 1979 to 1980, and begin reading it, curious if I should keep the old journals or begin getting rid of them. The entries are mostly quite brief, but bring back painful memories of how difficult my life situation was at that time. I am ever so grateful for all the good memories I have since Clifford and I have been together. And this camping trip to Bass Creek will be the next addition to the good memories bank.

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Good memories at Bass Creek

Bass Creek Camping – October 2014 – Part 1

Wednesday October 8: Yesterday we made it as far as Ang’s cabin on our way to Bass Creek south of Missoula, Montana. This morning she and I have coffee while we chat, and after sharing breakfast with her and Oden (my grandson), Clifford and I head on to Bass Creek.

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Sharing a cup of coffee at the cabin

We arrive at the Charlie Waters campground in the early afternoon and are surprised to find it nearly full, which is unexpected for a mid-week day in October. We later find out that hunting season for something-or-other just started and there is a church group gathering. There are not many sites to choose from; Clifford wants sunshine, I want secluded and pretty. We drive through the entire campground at least three times before we compromise on a site: not secluded, but pretty with the woods behind the campsite, and a moderate chance of sunshine throughout the day.

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Exploring the woods behind the campsite

We explore the woods at bit, looking for the creek that we can hear. It is not accessible right at our campsite, but can be reached further along. Then we get the Pony set up and this is home for the next couple of weeks.

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Creek hidden in the woods

Thursday October 9: Wake up to sunshine and beautiful blue sky. I set up a small table and my chair in a big patch of sunlight, make a cup of French Press coffee (doesn’t need electricity, as well as making good tasting coffee), then sit in the sun’s warmth to write in my journal and begin reading “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. The book opens by discussing the insanity of the human race because of ego identification with thought. So far, so good.

After breakfast we drive to Stevensville to get ice and a few groceries. I am pleased to find that the Super One store there has a good section of organic produce. On the way back, we explore the group campground not far away, a couple of side roads, the picnic area, and the road that goes beyond the trailhead and up the mountain that is across the meadow from us. In our exploration, we find a little niche off one of the side roads with a couple of primitive campsites. Good thing to keep in mind for next time.

Back at camp I edit “Against All Odds,” my project for this outing, while Clifford does research and plays with his ham radio gear – his projects. I play my cello for a bit

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The cello

before walking across the meadow to take photos. The autumn colors are just beginning here.

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Bass Creek 1_G12 035The light in the afternoon hits a grove of young aspen on the hillside across the meadow causing them to glow as if lit from within. I can’t get to them now, but I am certainly drawn to their vivid color.

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Aspen grove on the ridge

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Another family of aspen

Katie calls: she is concerned that I am not getting enough good meat in my diet, based on the lab results I have received, so she is bringing her family and dinner out to our camp this afternoon. When Katie, Jeremy, and the kids arrive, we build a good campfire. Katie cooks a great dinner over the fire; we eat and visit until after dark. It is such a treat to have visitors, and especially fun to have visitors who cook!

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Katie cooking dinner over the campfire

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Jeremy and Finley

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Justice holding little brother Jude

What an enjoyable evening! A really nice end to this lovely day at Bass Creek.

A Short Placer Creek Outing

Oh, the To-Do list is on my desk, but I scarcely look at it.  Is there anything that can’t be put off or ignored completely?  I make a cup of yerba matte with honey and coconut milk, sipping at it as I write in my journal.  What do I really want to do today?  Well, an outing with my camera, of course.  So, I decide to head up Moon Pass Road along Placer Creek to see if there is any frost or snow at a higher elevation.

Placer Creek 2 Nov 002I drive up a fair ways, but no frost and only the highest mountains around have snow at their crests.  I turn around at a wide spot and decide to explore as long as I am up here.  A mere couple feet off the road and I am walking into a rain forest – dark, moist, mossy.  Kind of spooky, in a way.  If Clifford had come with me, we might have hiked in a ways, but as it is, I just go far enough to get a feel for the place without loosing site of the car.  Guess it doesn’t help that we just read last night about murders on one of the passes outside Wallace just a few years back.  Should I let that stop me – no – but I wonder about Bigfoot being here; it feels like a Bigfoot type of place.  I walk further in as I take photos of the little stream and after a while, I feel more relaxed and connected to the mysterious beauty of this forest.  I’ll come back another day when I can stay longer.

Placer Creek 2 Nov 007I head back down the road and turn off on a narrow side-road that goes goodness-knows-where.  I like crossing the bridge, as Placer Creek is right here close at hand unobscured by brush.

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I’m tempted to stay parked right in the middle of the bridge to drink my hot tea and do some book editing.  But it is a one-laner and I wouldn’t want to block someone coming up behind me.   Instead, I drive on down the road until I find another place where I can park right by the creek without being in anyone’s way.   It is a habit of mine – trying not to be in anyone’s way, even when no one is there,,,   maybe that is one duck that I should let run wild.

Placer Creek 2 Nov 025I sit in my car with the engine off and the window down, listening to the gurgling of the creek as I edit, until I get too cold.   I realize there is a part of me trying to find the missing piece of the life-puzzle that was left behind in New Mexico.  Of course, I can’t get that particular piece back, but sitting by the creek helps sooth the yearning.  It’s odd, but my life feels like I am trying to work with more than one puzzle and while each had or has its good pieces, I can’t seem to combine them into one workable picture.  Even if that is not truly how it is, that is how it feels to me right now.  But the piece I am working with today, seeking and sharing beauty, has always been there… and it is good.